Things I've Said

Life with kids is unpredictable, crazy, lovely, and fulfilling. But mostly crazy. I thought it would be interesting to catalog the things I find myself saying over the week in response to the things my darlings do or say.

I'd be happy to explain the context of any of these quotes if you're curious, but I think the mystery is part of the humor.

Here goes, in no specific order.

"Jake, why did you pee in that top hat?"

"If you're going to eat peanut butter out of a bowl, at least use a spoon."

"I hope your dog won't eat poopy chonies."

"Tall skinny mocha with a pump of toffee nut." (about 4 times)

"Come here so I can smell your mouth."

Shameful Browsing

I'm exposing myself...here are the Top Six websites I shamefully enjoy:

1. http://www.fmylife.com/ - Think your life is bad? Check out these stories from this hilariously entertaining website:

Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML.

Today, my husband dropped me off at work, ten minutes later I got a text saying "I just dropped the b*tch off I'll be there in a few baby, miss you." I asked him about it and he said "I don't know what you're talking about Megan." My name isn't Megan, not even close. FML

Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don't have a text messaging plan. I paid $0.25 to get fired. FML.

Today, a Girl Scout asked me to buy cookies, in front of Giant. She looked nice, so I bought 5 boxes from her. She took the money and went home with her mom. I opened the boxes when I got home and realized that the boxes just had rocks in them. I got scammed by a Girl Scout. FML.

Today is my 16th birthday. Thinking that my parents would be out of town for it like they had every other year, I decided it would be fun to tan nude in my backyard. Apparently my parents set up a surprise party for my sweet 16. I was standing naked in front of half my school. FML.

2. Some e-cards - E-cards for that special occasion, and for that special somebody who must enjoy sarcasm and maybe a crude joke. I am proud to say that I know a few people I would send these to.


3. Cake Wrecks - I've blogged about it before. Remember the Baby Cake? Horrible messes made of cakes...misspellings, bad art, and bad ideas.

This is one titled The Problem with Phone Orders

[answering phone] "Cakey Cake Bakery, Jill speaking! How can I help you?"

"Hi, I need to order a cake for my boss. We have a photo of him playing golf that we'd like to put on it, though - can you do that?"

"Of course! Just bring the photo in on a USB drive and we'll print it out here."

"Great, I'll bring it by this afternoon."Later..."Hey, Jill, what am I putting on this cake?"

"Oh, check the counter; I left the jump drive out for you there."[calling from the back room] "Really? This is what they want on the cake?"

"Yeah, the customer just brought it in."

"Okey dokey!"

Believe it or not, this is a TRUE story: Elisabeth R. worked at the office in question. Besides, how could I ever make up something this good?

4. Funny or Die - Please tell me you've seen The Landlord. Will Farrell gets no mercy from Pearl. Lots of videos and celeb cameos.

5. Chelsea Lately. Okay, this one is really a late-night TV show. On E. I know, the lowest of all lows, but it is hilarious and makes late-night nursings enjoyable! Here are a few tid-bits from Chelsea Handler:

According to an article on CNN.com, a new study says people who are bad kissers don’t get laid. Where are you supposed to learn how to kiss? If you go to Catholic school, it’s from your priest; in public school, you learn from your teacher; and some guys learn from their sisters…if their sister is Angelina Jolie.

According to the New York Post, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are dating. They must be getting serious—Lance gave Ashley his yellow Live Strong
bracelet. She wears it as a belt.

6. Gap/Old Navy/Banana Republic/PiperLime/Athleta

So, it is not embarrassing that I visit this site, but it is slightly embarrassing what I do there. I Dream Shop by filling up the shopping cart with items that I would buy if I won the lottery. I fill that baby up and pretend that I will look as good in the clothes as the models. Then...I close out of the window. The sad part? Eventhough I am shopping with pretend Lotto money (I don't even play!), I still check out the clearance section. I believe it is the virtual equivalent of filling up the cart at Walmart and then leaving it in a shoe isle.


There you have it. The worst of me.

Baby Cake

Why My Workplace/Co-Workers Are So Awesome

Reason #1584: Baby Shower thrown on February 13

*Background: Email received on February 4: "Thought of you when I saw these...make sure you read the captions below the cakes. CakeWrecks: When Professional Cakes Go Horribly, Hilariously Wrong."

On that day, my co-workers found me at my desk, almost in tears, laughing. The email began to circulate, and those cakes became a source of many more laughs. These three were my favorites, all coming from a blog called CakeWrecks, a very witty, undeniably funny website where the worst of the worst of all cakes are highlighted:

Jen's Quotes (from CakeWrecks):

Sasha probably wasn't too happy when her colleagues gave her this

The plastic clone babies wearing naught but mohawks are bad enough, but then they're also riding carrots. What do you do with that? It looks like some kind of perverted vegetable rodeo, or maybe a bizarre clone military exercise, what with their little plastic fists raised high in identical salutes. And what kind of occasion calls for a "naked babies riding carrots" decor, anyway? No, wait, maybe I don't want to know.

...and this beauty:

And then there are the disturbing cakes. If you received this one, you'd have nightmares for years.

Bring on the nightmares, because my marvelous boss/baker extraordinaire brought this delicious dulce de leche goodness to the shower:

...and these were the remnants that were found on my desk afterwards:

I toted them home to share in some laughter with my mom and sister. Emily found them on the counter and was a little confused, repeatedly saying "Daddy fix baby." Sorry, honey.

Arrrrgh!

Because what would a blog be without a few inside jokes?

On Sunday, February 8, 2009, I witnessed an event that will be furthermore referred to as "The Great Lego Pirate Episode of 2009." It appears that there was a seizure of the Mindt Household as waves of Lego pirates took one of their own as hostage. All Lego pirates have been apprehended and, thankfully, no one was injured. Blasted scallywags!

DIY

Do-It-Yourself. Because we roll like that...we took our own family portraits this year. I mean, really, how hard could it be to have 9 people sit still and smile at the same time? Well, take a look and judge for yourself.

Some comments...starting at the top left and going clockwise:

• Mom, objecting to having her photo taken (unsuccessfully, apparently)
• Emily, trying to understand why she is in a family photo with Auntie and Uncle. The resemblance to Mom and Dad is close, but not quite. We can't pull a fast one over on her.
• We try to take pictures...really. Emily was obviously determined to be uncooperative.
• Anthony needs to run faster.
• Controlling the child...it takes a village.
• Dad can't figure out why this is so difficult.
• Getting closer!

We did finally get a good one...but you'll have to wait to see it!

The Verdict is In...

Our blog is Cool Like Hammer Pants. Yes, you heard right...hammer pants. Just in case you got suddenly jealous, don't worry. You can be cool in hammer pants, thanks to this nifty little pattern:

Thanks to everyone who voted...here are the results:

As you can see, "Cool Like Hammer Pants" edged out "Awesome" and "Rad" nearly two to one, and left "Outstanding" and "Just Lovely" in the dust. Thanks for confirming what we knew was true. Be on the lookout for new polls, and exercise your right to vote!

Sappy Saturdays, Installment #1: Homecoming

Sappy Saturdays means reminiscing and remembering, and because of that, probably laughing. In honor of Madera High's homecoming game last night, you'll get to relive MY Senior Year Homecoming...lucky you! (By the way, in case you were wondering...Madera lost last night to Clovis High 21-14, but Anthony had some great hits on Defense and some completions on Offense.)

Facts about October 8, 1999:

#1 Song: Heartbreaker by Mariah Carey
New York Times Best Sellers: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban by J.K Rowling and Tuesdays With Morrie by Mitch Albom
Game Score: Madera finally gets smart and plays someone they can beat! Win over McLane 34-7
Homecoming King and Queen: Lorena Villafan and Rey Garcia
According to my high school yearbook, my plans were to "go to college in Southern California and meet Chloe in Pismo every summer. I'll learn to surf with Alli and Becki; we'll be surfing chicks. I'll meet my Prince Charming and we'll get married. After a while, we'll have a couple of kids and live happily ever after. Sometime in my life, Joseph will be right."



So I don't have my senior picture, but I do have a photo of what I might have looked like (look left). Personally, I seemed to be ahead of the times, because my Orange Can Bang Days came before the year 2000.

And because it isn't horrifying enough to look at pictures of myself in high school, I went further back. AND since I rarely subject myself to this kind of humiliation and endure it alone, I have fixed up some pictures of Ryan, too (surprise, honey!).

1950's: Men once wore bowties to school, and women cooked from scratch. Everyone say "Awwwww."











1960's: The decade where "we would rather look perfect than sleep." Glad those are over.












1970's: Some bitchin' times, man.











1980's: Proof that the Farrah Fuacet Feathering technique is not just for the ladies.












1990's: Because who doesn't need a reminder that mullets and perms were once popular?

For humor's sake, go Yearbook Yourself!